"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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