My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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