Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
