i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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