Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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