Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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