Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
