ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
another moral hangover. fuck.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
