the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
