I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
