I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
