i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
