does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I won the penis lottery.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
