The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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