Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
