I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The best revenge is premature balding
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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Clothes are such an inconvenience.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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