I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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