I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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