We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
