I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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