You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
