We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
