he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
