I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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