FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
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