Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
