there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just invented taco cereal.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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