sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
