I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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