I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
