Please, let me fuck your mom
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
as a side note pls kill me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
