all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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