if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
