the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
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i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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