Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
