my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
