I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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