Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
