Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
