TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
