it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
