This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
