i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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