i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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