Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
