: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
