I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
