I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
