yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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