My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
