Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
