I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I haven't been this sober since birth.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
