i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
