mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
