I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
