You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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