I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
