Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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